citycylinders

*sigh* i woke up with an IM from nathaniel and he's still mad at me. he thinks i actually cut myself like an idiot again when i promised him i wouldn't. he should know by now i don't break promises.

i ended up looking like shit for graduation. liz came, so that made me happy. she didn't have a problem not hanging out with mitchell to go to my graduation. i had to cover up my wrist all night with some itchy stupid ass bracelet that kept getting caught on EVERYONE i hugged. graduation was literally one hour long, just like i knew it was gna be. i was right up front, third class to graduate. afterwards my family, liz, and i went around and i took pictures with them and a bunch of my friends, typical graduation thing.
 

then came the fun stuff.

i went home ot change with liz and whatnot, and mark shelby and chris picked me up. we went to frankies after party at the skyroom which ended up being lame, so we left with patrick, sean, cam, and a bunch of other people and went to the mansion party in padanaram. that was so much better.

i saw a shitload of people there, and made a few new friends. and got hit on a few times, which never happens.my new friend scott gave me and shelby an entire bottle of rum that we ended up killing before we even went back downstairs. i smoked a little. and im sure nathaniel will be mad at me for that. but i didn't care last night. i was already so mad at him. the rest of the party i was just talking to everyone and making a ton of new aquaintances and such, ill have to keep in touch with ash to make sure i know when all the good parties are. on the way home, chris garcia was spitting so much game to me. "you're a beautful, smart girl and i would never do anything like cheat on you or anything..." i was like -____- "riiiiight, i have a boyfriend."

i got home around three i wanna say, buzzed and wide awake. i IMed devon thinking maybe he was awake and he was, haha. so we went to fort taber and drank some peach whiskey vodka whatever he made and walked around climbing shit hobo watching and bird chasing/running from angry birds until six in the morning. i had to piss a bladder full of excellence and i was NOT  popping a squat.


so i guess my night turned out to be really good except for nathaniel being mean to me again. and again when i woke up. and the random ): moments i'd have when i wasn't socializing that one time. i made sure i wasn't alone the rest of the night. i have a graduation party to go to saturday night. "VIP" aparently. alchohol, for free. so my alcholic ass is going whenever me and nathaniel stop hanging out.

*sigh*

with nathaniel on facebook was a mistake. i just get jealous and/or think he's flirting with people. i'm an idiot.

anyway, today was yearbook signing day and i filled up every page except the two im saving for nathaniel and liz. i don't know how i'm gna fit all my NBH friends in there, too. :\ i didn't even get all the voc kids i wanted because there wasn't enough time. -,-

BAH! see, now i'm not in a bomb mood like i was because nathaniel and some girl are like "oh i was thinking about you today. "why wasn't i invited to your party? =[" probably exchanging numbers since she doesn't have his. and then i'm gna get mad because he's gna hang out with her. ugh. i shouldn't get mad, because legit ALL my friends are boys except a few and i hang out with them all the time but never just one unless it's mitchell or corey. but i could see him getting upset about corey, but then again maybe not. or dennis since we're hanging out sometime this week.  i don't know. i guess i just feel like he's gna flirt with them, and not stop when they flirt back. -_______- oh well. i wish i knew how to flirt. he knows.

and now even though i don't have work for TWO hours nathaniel can't seem to bring me to work. i double he's working 2 hours longer than he's supposed to. whatever.

hmph.

anyway, i saw a lot of old friends at at signing today. like jeff, we havn't hung out in years and we used to hang out every. single. day. and we don't anymore. idk i just felt cool cause mad guys are like yeah we need to hang out and stuff. jaryd walker called me cutie, and darien remembered that we're supposed to have a movie night! which made me happy for some reason, haha. yeah well i guess im cheering up, maybe. i'm tired, and i wonder what i'm doing after sign out tomorrow. i was supposed to hang out with dennis but i told him we should wait till he has his keep thursday to hang out cause my house is boring and he said his is, too.

i found the most amazing song. it would have been better when nathaniel wasn't being good like he is now. it's exactly the most perfect song for that whole time. how i felt and whatnot. it's called the bolder thing to do by gregory and the hawk, it's so good and her voice is beautiful i wish i could sing like that ):

hm. well, BYE!
 

i woke up today thinking justin's BBQ was today, but it wasn't so i was hoping that nathaniel and i would hang out just me and him today until nb idol. but he had a "splitting headache" when he woke up. so now we're not, and im upset not only because of that but because i saw my dad today. in person. akwardly. thinking it wasn't him i looked in the car and boom there he was. fuck.

i told nathaniel i was upset, but he completely disreguarded it in his text back saying he was going to nb idol. i know he doesn't want to go. and im not making him. im not gna wake him up if he's not awake. i don't know. i guess i don't feel like he's gna be sitting inside sleeping all day. and i know he will tell me to ask his grandmother but he knows i won't do that so he could still be doing whatever since he knows theres no way i'd find out.

i hate not trusting him. i always think he's doing something wrong, always. honestly i don't ever think i will believe he won't leave me again.

i don't know, lately i've just been whatever about everything in my life. im leaving high school, whatever. im going to bcc, whatever. i hate my dad, whatever. im constantly getting depressed every night, whatever. i just don't care about anything right now.

and now i have my mom crying and apologizing that she picked me such a shitty father. i told her i don't care whether he's in my life or not, because i don't. i hate him for everything he did. for leaving, for scarring me for life, for beating my mother, for beating my siblings, for beating me with anything he could get his hands on or just his hands in general, for playing favorites, for lying about everything, for cheating on my mother with more than three other women, for keeping money from the family, for hitting me because he thought it was funny and always sticking me in the middle when he called us all over to smash our heads together. god i hate him.

in a lot of ways nathaniel and my dad are the same when it comes to emotional scarring left on me. my dad lied, nathaniel lied. my dad left, nathaniel left. my dad came back. nathaniel came back. my dad left again. nathaniel left again. my dad cheated on my mom multiple times. nathaniel cheated on his girlfriend i didn't know about multiple times with me. and at the end of it all i hated them both. i think how i feel about nathaniel leaving is all my dads fault. well not totally, but it stems from that. the only thing different is that i could care less where my dad is, but i'd care if nathaniel disappeared forever. i see that coming, and im anticipating it, figuring it will come right before college starts again. but i guess we'll see.